Weekend Update

This weekend was so nice... I did nothing, nothing. It's the first weekend in 2 1/2 months Marcus and I didn't have something to do. In the last two months, we've had three weddings to go to, bridal showers, Exchange Student Orientation, Disciple Now here in Lubbock that Marcus and I were leaders for, we taught a three hour class at The Heights Fellowship Church where we are members at, we spent a weekend in Dallas for the iWitness Banquet. What else.... oh yeah- along with finishing small wedding details, we've been doing repairs on our new house and moving our stuff into the house. People ask if I've been busy and stressed out with all the wedding stuff, actually that's been the easy part. I'm not stressed AT ALL about the wedding. It's "life" that is making me tired.

So this weekend, I slept. After work on Friday I took an hour nap, then my parents, Marcus, and I watched a movie that night... I went to bed around 11:30 Friday night and got up around 1:30pm on Saturday. We gained an extra hour of sleep Sunday morning. Sunday was spent relaxing and doing nothing. We watched "Father of the Bride" last night. What a great movie, and then I went to bed early. I feel like an old woman, but I sure do feel good today.

I love the movie, "Father of the Bride. It's great. I can't even imagine our wedding costing $250 a head. WOW! Two weeks from this past weekend and my dad will be the Father of the Bride. How exciting and scary. It's almost here. Any words of advice?

Silent Waiting Room

As I read the thoughts and experiences of others in their blogs or emails... I long to write an incredible entry about new things looming in the horizon, entries of new insights, new experiences, entries reminiscing childhood experiences and the lessons that were learned from them.... I long to write something deep and profound, meaningful and significant, but I lately I haven't written down any of my thoughts, experiences, fears, hopes, dreams, prayers. Why, I don't know.

There's silence within me. I find myself in a waiting room, a silent waiting room. I feel no need to discuss with those waiting with me about what's beyond the waiting room door... maybe I want to discover it myself, rather than being told what to expect, what they experienced, what they did. Maybe I want to just see what awaits me through the door rather than sit in the waiting room discussing and planning with others about things, moments, events, situations, that may or may not actually await me. Maybe, I'm afraid that others will tell me what's "really" there and I will be disappointed of what awaits me or even decide to remain silently sitting in the waiting room and pretend I didn't hear them when my name is called. Maybe I am afraid of disappointing people when I walk through the doors and don't do things the way they "should" be done. No two appointments are the same, and I am waiting for my appointment. It's lonely waiting in silence sometimes. Right now, maybe I need the silence. Maybe I just need someone to wait in silence with me. To smile at me when my time has come and I get up to walk through the door because my name has been called. Their smiles say, "This is your time, your journey, "Good Luck." Now, go and see what awaits you. If you should walk past us again just smile to remind us our time, our journey is near. "

TWO YEARS AGO

Two years ago this morning I was at the hospital getting prepared to have surgery to have a brain tumor removed. As I reflect back over the last two years I am so blessed to be alive, to be healed. I thank the Father for giving me life. I was reading my journal entries leading up to my surgery two years ago and hope that the prayer of my heart then would continue to be the prayer of my heart now and always.

10-10-03 (10 days before surgery)
WOW, it still hasn't hit me- brain surgery in two weeks, on the 20th. They found a mass in my temporal lobe- we found out today. The temporal lobe affects my memory, hearing, emotions. It explains the memory problems, my emotional state, it explains a lot. All the different stages of emotions- I'm going through them all right now... denial, grief, acceptance. I'm scared, real scared. I don't really know how I feel right now. I don't really know how to act. I'm nervous, afraid, yet I trust God. I'm satisfied with life. I've lived! Lord, I'm yours. I trust you! I love you! Bring yourself glory, that's all I ask. Pleas don't let anyone deny you because of me. May I be a testimony, use me for your glory, for your name.

10-11-03 (9 days until surgery)
Lord, I get it! It's all about you- for your glory and your name. Glorify your name in this experience, moments, days, weeks to come (well maybe they will come?) I feel your peace all around me. Yes, I am scared but I know you are in control. I have yet to question Why?, I have yet to be angry, hate you. You are so near right now. Your love and peace and joy are getting me through. I'm amazed at how I am handling all this. I've been able to laugh and smile- yes there have been times I've cried and been scared, wondered what I will remember afterwards, thought about the pain- but God more than anything I've thought about all the people this will affect: the youth, my friends, my family... You have blessed me beyond measure. You've poured out your favor upon my life. I've overwhelmed- so many people care! Wow! I'm humbled. I'm nervous about the people standing in the crossroads of life. I am nervous that they will turn from you in this moment. God use this for your glory. Let them turn to your for answers. Be near to them!! I love you. I know you care. You created me, You hurt with me. Don't let me defame you, that is all I ask. You have been so good to me these last 6 years that I have walked with you. You haven't disappointed me. You are good. I love you. Thank you for saving me. I am not scared of death. I know where I am going. My life has been good. To be with you in your presence is better. This world has nothing for me, yet there are so many who need to know about you. I'd like to stay here awhile longer and continue to be about your work. That is where I find my my purpose, my joy, my life- in the midst of your work. May my life be a testimony of your character. Find me faithful, even in the midst of all this.

10-14-03 (6 days before surgery)
Lord, I love you! Even in the midst of all my feelings, I feel you near. I know you now. You have given my family and me joy and peace, it's unexplainable. Who would have thought that I would be smiling, laughing now. It's all because of you. I'm overwhelmed by all the people in my life. It humbles me. All the people who have called, emailed, came to see me, who are praying for me- people all around the world. Lord you are so good to me. Thank you that you are real. Without you I would have no hope, no reason to live, to want to live. Let me continue to be about your work. (If not you are better and being with you is better. I feel like Paul, "To live is Christ, to die is gain.")

10-16-05 (4 days before surgery)
Daddy- I'm scared of losing my memory, of forgetting names, faces, memories. I am scared for myself and for all those around me. I don't want to forget my life.
Lord- I want to live. There are still so many things on earth I want to experience although I know you are better! I want to experience Thanksgiving with my family in San Antonio, Christmas at Grandma Byrd's house, ski trip, graduating from Tech, falling in love, getting married, us serving the Lord together, traveling, having a family, going to New York for New Year's, going to Italy, Egypt, where ever else you want to send me. I want to live- smell the flowers, see the stars, stand in the rain, know people, let the wind blow through my hair (will I have hair that the wind can blow?) See the small things, enjoy the little things. I realize that people are so much more important. I love my family. Oh- how I love them. They are amazing, so strong. Thank you Father for them.

10-23-03 (3 days after surgery)
Wow! I'm home. It's Thursday and I had brain surgery Monday morning. I can't believe it. They said that everything went real well. That surgery usually doesn't go that well. There were so many people there to see me, so many cards, flowers, calls. Thank you God for all the people who care. Some of the things that I remember about Monday morning...
The drive to the hospital with my family. Listening to a song by Martina McBride, "Show me what love is" over and over again in the car with my family. It's become our song. The short stay in the waiting room with my family, Sam, Jason, Max, Trent, Michael, Doug, Tidrow. We laughed. There was a peace during that time. A nurse shaving the side of my head. Realizing at that moment, that more hair was going to be missing later. Going to the bathroom just to be alone and to tell God that I was scared, that I needed him, that I loved him. Asking the Father to give me strength, to be with me. Talking with Dr. Fincher about everything that would take place "after I was asleep." Then Dr. Fincher prayed over me- I cried a little then, my family was crying a lot before that time, so I tried all morning long not to cry, to be strong for them. Then they wheeled me into the OR room. Saying goodbye and I love you to everyone, not wanting to look at them in the face because of all the tears falling down from their eyes. Seeing my dad last. He's always been so strong for me, I wanted to be strong for him. Entering into the OR- being placed on the operating table. There was such a peace at that moment. I remember I didn't cry maybe one or two lone tears. I closed my eyes and remembered what an exchange student from Japan told me in an email, "My friend thinks you are brave, I think so too." I felt the Father's presence so near to me- At that moment right before surgery, it was just the Father and me. My friends and family were all gone, the doctors and nurses saw me as a patient. It was just the Lord and me. Song by David Crowder "And it's just you and me here now... only you and me here now." I'm home, I'm alive, I remember things, people! God you are so good to me! Thank you for giving me life. For being near. For answering prayers. I think October 20, 2003 is the best day of my life.

A blog from my fiance

(This blog was written by my fiance while we were serving together in Germany. I just wanted to share his heart with you. I love you Brown Eyes.)

Father has been doing amazing things here in Germany. He is drawing people to himself, he is showing us other believers and he is allowing us to truly wage spiritual warfare. On Monday, we came to the internet cafe. Kat was very down and was being heavily attack by the enemy. Father allowed me to be her helpmate and engage the enemy on her behalf. I was able to pray in the spirit and lift her up to Father. I love being able to fight for her in the spiritual realm and also know that she is willing to do battle for me when I need it. We are truly growing more in love and commitment to one another. I can see Father making us closer and showing us how to minister together.

Man God is Faithful. Today the Father was faithful to be near to me. At the beginning of the day I felt so sick. When I arrived at my site, I felt the Father calling me to pray at a Cafe by the University. As I sat there and began to pray, the Father told me to read an excerpt from an unpublished book. This particular excerpt was about my fiancee's experience having a brain tumor removed. As I relived Her experiences leading up to surgery and how the father restored her in her High School years, Father showed me how to use her story to pray for all these college student and for the lives. I was amazed at how the Father opened my eyes to these students and showed me how to use someone elses story to pray for a multitude of students that I have no idea who they are, where in life they are and where in eternity they are. I was just blown away by how real Father was to me today. I felt like he was actually walking next to me pointing out the small details to pray for today. It was incredible.

A Moment in Germany

(Written in Germany)

It is so amazing to be apart of God’s continuing work. The Lord continues to open up doors to share the glory of Jesus with my friend, E. Marcus, Lara and myself went to the school to say goodbye to E for the summer. This time at the school there weren’t as many students there and they were all in the other room playing. We got to sit with E and talk to her for about an hour or so. While we were talking and sharing life, God allowed us to share once again the love of Jesus with her. We talked about the many similarities and HUGE differences between the Muslim and Christian faith. We discussed forgiveness, Jesus’ sacrifice, the assurance of salvation, the judgement day, the fruit that true believers should bear, and prayer. She asked me how I prayed. I told her pray is simply a conversation I have with God. Sometimes, I pray with others, sometimes out loud, sometimes silently, and sometimes I even right my prayers down. I had my journal with me and read her one of my recently written prayers… which read, “Jesus, I want to know you more, I want to love you more. Let me feel your nearness…” When I looked up she was crying. She said she was so touched that I tell Jesus I want to fall more in love with him. I know the Holy Spirit is working in her life. She said she would like to learn more about Christianity and we gave her a name of one of the local believers here that will be able to disciple in the future. Thank you for all of your prayers. Continue to pray for her. When I think of how I would like others to pray for her only one word comes to mind, JESUS. (this ONE word is so powerful and more than enough for her and for all of us.) JESUS- May we all fall more in love with him. He is so worth it.

Engagement

I wrote this in April, but wanted to share it on my new blog site.
I'm getting married. I still can't believe it. A part of me feels like the girl on "Father of the Bride." I feel like the 6 year old sitting at the dinner in the movie telling her dad, "I met a boy and I'm getting married." It's been a great time, a great moment in my life. I want to enjoy this stage of my life and not rush into the next too soon.

I bought a dress last week. Within 45 minutes I bought the third dress I tried on. It's beautiful. It's the dress I've always dreamed of. My mom and older sister were there when I picked it out. My sister helped me zip up the dress. There eyes kept filling with tears as I stood before them with the dress on. We were reminded of an earlier time in my life, one and a half years ago when they were there helping me into a gown. A hospital gown.

Oct 20, 2003, I had a brain tumor removed. I'm alive!!! Praise and Glory to the ONE who gave me life. I am alive and get to experience this new moment in my life. A moment I was never guaranteed. I want to enjoy my engagement. Every second of it. I want to praise God for living me life and blessing me with a man who loves God above all else and then me. I am blessed.