At my job, I work at the very front of the office. My co-worker’s offices are towards the back of the office . Most of the days, I find myself sitting all alone waiting for either for the phone to ring or for an assignment. Lately, it’s been really quiet at work… the phone doesn’t ring that much and there is nothing at the moment for me to work on. Very few people come into our office and all of my co-workers are busy designing buildings and such in their offices. All of this to say, that I get very lonely and restless at work. Everyone is really nice and, but I don’t see enough of them to really get to know them.

I honestly believe that the Father provided this job for me for now. Honestly I do. When I look back over the past six months, I see his hand placing me here. But, I wonder why? I sit here at my desk and look out the window and I wonder why He placed me in a job where honestly I don’t have much contact with a lot of people and I am not able to really build relationships with those who do work here. As I sit alone at my desk, I dream and long for the day when my husband and I will live overseas and make a difference among the nations. Yet, I don’t want to WAIT to make a difference among the nations. I want to live a missional life here and now, right now where I am. I want to be used by Him no matter where I may live.

Outcasts

The gospel is for everyone regardless of race, color, country, or language. The Spirit wants the world for Christ. “Salvation belongs to our God, who sits on the throne and to the Lamb." You are the light of the nations, yet many live in darkness having never heard about you. Help me to never be content knowing that, but to be moved with compassion for the lost in this world.

Lately, my spirit has been burdened for the outcasts of society…for those that our society, and many of our churches reject. The drug addicts, alcoholics, the homeless, those in prison, the homosexuals, the poor, the forgotten…
Where are these people in our churches?
The Spirit wants the world for Christ. The Father passionately pursues after the homosexuals, the addicts, those who have addictions and try over and over again to break free. He LOVES them, He died for them, He bleed for them.
I’ve been convicted that within our churches, within our Christian circles, that we really don’t love. We love those who look like us, who are easy to love, yet we reject and make fun of those who live in darkness. We, as Christ’s chosen people, make fun of the homosexuals… we mock their sin, we make light of it, when we should be moved to compassion. We, as God’s chosen people, pass judgment of those held captive by addictions. When we read the New Testament, we see Jesus spending his time with the outcasts, showing them love, offering them forgiveness and showing them compassion. Through His love, acceptance, mercy, compassion… the lost were saved.
Oh that we, His people, would be able to love the unlovable, forgive the unthinkable, and show mercy and grace… Oh that the lost would be saved.

Wrestling

I resolve to KNOW God again, to wait upon him until I KNOW him again. I will wait, and struggle, fight, cry, and battle with my heart, with my thoughts, with Him, I will fight the war within my soul until I KNOW Him again. I will wrestle with Him until He touches me, changes me.

I feel I must wait upon Him, wrestle with Him, until He changes my ugly heart of anger, hate, hurt, fear, doubt, pride, jealousy, confusion…

I have known Him many times before. I’ve heard Him speak to me. I’ve heard his voice before. I’ve felt Him stirring within me, changing me. Right now, I don’t know Him. I don’t hear Him. I don’t know what He wants from me. But, I do know that He’s beckoning me now to KNOW Him again.

I will wait to hear His voice again, to feel His touch. I will wait upon Him. How long must I wait, I don’t know. But I do know this, I long to know HIM, not busy myself in another ministry, another duty. I will not try to fill the void by exhausting myself in religious duties. I will not become involved for the sole fact of being involved. I have served Him for to long without really KNOWING Him. I’ve had enough! I will not play the part any longer.

I miss our times of fellowship; times of intimacy we’ve shared. I miss God, not religion, not ministry, but GOD.

Are you ready to go to the edge?

A friend of mine asked me this question the other day, and it’s haunted me since then. Am I ready to go to the edge? When I think about this question, this is what comes to my mind.

The edge is defined as the line where an object or area begins or ends. My whole life the edge has meant to me a line where an object ends. “I’ve been told to “stay away from the edge,” “Don’t get to close.” “Be careful.” The edge for me is a scary and dangerous place to be.

Am I ready to go to the edge? Am I ready to go to the place and look out to the unknown? The view from the edge of a mountain looking directly across the horizon is beautiful, breathtaking. For a while I stand in awe of the view. Then I look down. It’s the view looking down from the edge of the mountain that scares me. Knowing that a simple push from someone standing on the edge with me, a strong wind, or a wrong move made by myself would send me falling into the valley. The BREADTH of the fall, the rocks, trees, dark valley, the pain, the hurt, confusion, despair, the healing, the tiresome climb back up.

I’m scared of the fall. I’m scared of the pain the fall will cause. And, I’m, scared of the climb back up. I wonder if I’ll ever make it back to the mountain top.

I’m I ready to go to the edge. Honestly, Jeff, I don’t know. I’m scared.